I tapped my fingers nervously on the steering wheel while Murphy spoke. We
were definitely having this conversation even if we were dancing around it
a bit though I had a feeling we wouldn't be dancing much longer. Even
despite the nerves though I felt a flush of warmth when she mentioned that
she would like it if I came around more often. The tiny Sally Fields in my
brain was calling out "She likes me, she really, really likes me!" That may
be rather juvenile but I was going to blame that on not having a lot of
experience with adult relationships. Okay that and the fact that I could be
pretty juvenile at times. Still... she likes me! She really, really likes
me!
I opened my mouth to reply to her comment about having people who want to
be there for me before closing it, not trusting the first thing to come out
of my mouth. I didn't want to say something stupid or flippant so I
actually thought about my answer first.
"I know, and I'm grateful. It's just... hard. The Winter Mantle- it pushes
on parts of me that I don't like and I don't like the idea of other people
seeing those more at the forefront," I said. Which sounded pretty stupid I
know. Murphy and my other friends didn't like me because I was perfect then
cared despite the fact that I wasn't. That didn't change the fact that I
was ashamed or worried about those sides coming out. "When I'm around you
for example the Mantle really picks on some of my, uh, stronger physical
feelings for you. It makes me want to take and dominate which... that's not
even the side of that kink I'm into."
I managed to say all of that with a straight face and I'm pretty sure I
wasn't blushing. At least not much. I still can't look over at her though
but I feel like I should get points for saying it. Well, you know, at least
sort of saying, "the Winter Mantle makes me want to hold you down and bang
you like a screen door but that is the opposite of what I'm normally into".
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-10-29 03:24 pm (UTC)I tapped my fingers nervously on the steering wheel while Murphy spoke. We were definitely having this conversation even if we were dancing around it a bit though I had a feeling we wouldn't be dancing much longer. Even despite the nerves though I felt a flush of warmth when she mentioned that she would like it if I came around more often. The tiny Sally Fields in my brain was calling out "She likes me, she really, really likes me!" That may be rather juvenile but I was going to blame that on not having a lot of experience with adult relationships. Okay that and the fact that I could be pretty juvenile at times. Still... she likes me! She really, really likes me!
I opened my mouth to reply to her comment about having people who want to be there for me before closing it, not trusting the first thing to come out of my mouth. I didn't want to say something stupid or flippant so I actually thought about my answer first.
"I know, and I'm grateful. It's just... hard. The Winter Mantle- it pushes on parts of me that I don't like and I don't like the idea of other people seeing those more at the forefront," I said. Which sounded pretty stupid I know. Murphy and my other friends didn't like me because I was perfect then cared despite the fact that I wasn't. That didn't change the fact that I was ashamed or worried about those sides coming out. "When I'm around you for example the Mantle really picks on some of my, uh, stronger physical feelings for you. It makes me want to take and dominate which... that's not even the side of that kink I'm into."
I managed to say all of that with a straight face and I'm pretty sure I wasn't blushing. At least not much. I still can't look over at her though but I feel like I should get points for saying it. Well, you know, at least sort of saying, "the Winter Mantle makes me want to hold you down and bang you like a screen door but that is the opposite of what I'm normally into".